Oversized Sea Turtles & Erotic Displays of Apple Juice

Just your average Hammer film really. I've seen a few, mostly horror, but One Million Years BC and The Witches are the most recent additions to the list. I'm really not sure whether they are horror or not.
One Million Years BC. 'This is the way it was', apparently. Groups of dark-haired savages wearing extra-hairy waistcoats with their bums hanging out, are extra stupid and constantly try to kill each other and only eat meat. Meanwhile groups of blonde-haired slightly-less-savage savages wear slinky taupe numbers with their bums and tits hanging out, and like to paint pictures and eat vegetables. One of the former groups of people runs off after his reward for wrestling a pig in a pit is to be thrown off a cliff by his Dad (who incidentally looks like Bobby De Niro crossed with Eric Cantona). He manages to escape a truly terrifying jumbo iguana (above), only to be attacked by similarly disproportionate and scary sea turtle (below) and has to be rescued by Raquel Welch and her prehistoric hand bag.

With the incredible care they were taking not to misinform the viewer on the topic at hand, the groups of people have no language and resort to charades for most of the film. There is a narrator at the beginning but he disappears and after a while you are too busy being wowed by the very special effects to notice. Then a volcano erupts and natural selection favours only the one that ran away and the one that saves him. Everyone else is assumed dead and now they can start making a race that like wrestling pigs and like painting. 'This is the way is was'? I don't know what it was like one million years BC but I'm pretty sure this is the way it wasn't.

And so to The Witches. The scene pictured above has made the rest of the film pale in comparison, but then this scene wouldn't be this scene without the run up to it. What you see here is a supposedly scientifically-minded super-dyke wearing horns made of birthday candles feeding mud to villagers who have lost their collective mind. It must be magic. Or voodoo. Or something in the water. This is the latter part of the same scene involving erotic displays of apple juice, whereby the lighting of the candles on the super-dyke's head spontaneously causes the villagers to burst open apples above their heads, rub the juices all over their bodies and then rub up against each other. Obviously. If you don't believe me see below. For further explanation you should watch the film, it is amusing.

Tom & Barbara Would Be Proud

If Tom and Barbara were real people they would be proud. This year we are growing courgettes, baby sweetcorn and chillies (same as last year), plus lettuces, radishes, tomatoes and potatoes. And a bunch of herbs - basil, thyme, oregano, dill and mint (the bastard). Mint steals the candy from all my babies.

So on the herb front mint is going for it, albeit in a very scatty, unorganised and disruptive way. Dill was doing fine until mint came along. Basil is doing fine, though not as good as last year, and we have loads of oregano and some good stalks of thyme. In terms of veg things seem to be going okay. Last year was a bit mixed and while we had quite a few courgettes, we only had one unripe cob of baby corn from several over-sized grassy-looking plants. I don't think Scotland is the place for baby sweetcorn or any corn for that matter. We don't have a greenhouse. We don't even have a vegetable patch - just bags of dirt in a shady garden and a bunch of things in miniscule pots indoors. Anyway, like I say things this year seem to be going okay.

So, to our first crop of the season, the radish, that lovable little magenta brassica. Apparently, we are not good at growing them. From five plants we have one radish, pictured above. This is our punishment for having little faith in our shady garden and Scottish weather, and for not doing any research whatsoever. We only put one plant in our garden and this is it. It went from being a very sad and limp seedling into a bushy 20-30cm plant in such a short time that we weren't even sure it was the radish. It wasn't until I was out resuscitating our potatoes (not mouth-to-mouth thankfully) from their battering by the wind that I noticed a big pink thing poking out of the ground that I knew we had some degree of success. We ate it a couple of days after and as predicted it was rubbery and old, but also hot and peppery, just the way my new husband likes them.

Our second success is hopefully going to be with our 'Catriona' potatoes which have shot up pretty quickly in one of those bags which you just keep adding soil to. They have been growing pretty steadily since we planted them, until a week or two ago when the wind broke every stem. They were just coming into flower and although we probably should have supported them with some bamboo ages ago, I'm of the if-it-ain't-broke-don't-fix-it persuasion. Well, they broke and I fixed it. I've been out watering them today and checking they are still standing and whilst I was at it and I decided to have a root around in soil and see if I could find a potato. It took some digging, but this is what I found with it's "attractive purple eyes" just like the packet said it would. Now I'm wondering whether or not it's a waste of electricity to boil just one bite-sized potato. I don't think Tom and Barbara would like that.

Bloggie Bloggie Bloggie

I wish my choice of title didn't bend my mind towards Mr Blobby but it's too late. Big pink monosyllabic fart. Now I can't remember what I was going to write about. All I can think about is that blobby polka-turd. Update later perhaps.

Food Diary Part 1: Eating Morgan Freeman

Most memorably I recently ate Morgan Freeman. No, I am not a cannibal, it's just this baked potato looked so much like Morgan Freeman that it could well have been the man himself... or should that be potato himself? If potatoes are hes and shes?

Anyway, he was good. King prawns in Marie Rose sauce (yes, I have escaped from the 70s) and a slither of butter adorned him. I say 'slither' because it it actually was this time. Normally 'slither' might mean 'massive dollop', but I'm trying to cut down. I am a butter fiend.

Neil's baked potato was Franken-tattie. He wasn't made from lots of different baked potatoes, he was just a rather ugly specimen.

Punk in Drublic

I am punk, but not in drublic. Perhaps more tomorrow. I have not written in a while.

Lupe Pintos es Fantástico!

Lupe Pintos is so goood. It's a well-stocked Mexican deli just along the road on Leven St and has the best guacamole I have ever tasted. I could eat it like a yoghurt. In fact I have. It is so very good! They also have some rather fine salsa, very fresh tasting and with a good kick to it. Check out my chile dog bag:



They have Desperados too, a fine tequila selection and Sailor Jerry's. Tasty booze. You should go there. Right now.

Speaking of tasty booze it's the Heriot Watt Beer Festival tomorrow and I cannot wait. If the weather is like has been for the last week then it will be extra good. I will no doubt drink far too much beer, pretend I'm going to do a yard of ale and then back out at the last minute for being too drunk. I'll also scribble nonsense on my beer menu pretending that I know something about beer, when actually I'm just drunk and want to doodle. I am a civilized drunk don't you know? It will be good.

Ring

Photos as requested...