Oversized Sea Turtles & Erotic Displays of Apple Juice
Just your average Hammer film really. I've seen a few, mostly horror, but One Million Years BC and The Witches are the most recent additions to the list. I'm really not sure whether they are horror or not.
One Million Years BC. 'This is the way it was', apparently. Groups of dark-haired savages wearing extra-hairy waistcoats with their bums hanging out, are extra stupid and constantly try to kill each other and only eat meat. Meanwhile groups of blonde-haired slightly-less-savage savages wear slinky taupe numbers with their bums and tits hanging out, and like to paint pictures and eat vegetables. One of the former groups of people runs off after his reward for wrestling a pig in a pit is to be thrown off a cliff by his Dad (who incidentally looks like Bobby De Niro crossed with Eric Cantona). He manages to escape a truly terrifying jumbo iguana (above), only to be attacked by similarly disproportionate and scary sea turtle (below) and has to be rescued by Raquel Welch and her prehistoric hand bag.
With the incredible care they were taking not to misinform the viewer on the topic at hand, the groups of people have no language and resort to charades for most of the film. There is a narrator at the beginning but he disappears and after a while you are too busy being wowed by the very special effects to notice. Then a volcano erupts and natural selection favours only the one that ran away and the one that saves him. Everyone else is assumed dead and now they can start making a race that like wrestling pigs and like painting. 'This is the way is was'? I don't know what it was like one million years BC but I'm pretty sure this is the way it wasn't.
And so to The Witches. The scene pictured above has made the rest of the film pale in comparison, but then this scene wouldn't be this scene without the run up to it. What you see here is a supposedly scientifically-minded super-dyke wearing horns made of birthday candles feeding mud to villagers who have lost their collective mind. It must be magic. Or voodoo. Or something in the water. This is the latter part of the same scene involving erotic displays of apple juice, whereby the lighting of the candles on the super-dyke's head spontaneously causes the villagers to burst open apples above their heads, rub the juices all over their bodies and then rub up against each other. Obviously. If you don't believe me see below. For further explanation you should watch the film, it is amusing.
One Million Years BC. 'This is the way it was', apparently. Groups of dark-haired savages wearing extra-hairy waistcoats with their bums hanging out, are extra stupid and constantly try to kill each other and only eat meat. Meanwhile groups of blonde-haired slightly-less-savage savages wear slinky taupe numbers with their bums and tits hanging out, and like to paint pictures and eat vegetables. One of the former groups of people runs off after his reward for wrestling a pig in a pit is to be thrown off a cliff by his Dad (who incidentally looks like Bobby De Niro crossed with Eric Cantona). He manages to escape a truly terrifying jumbo iguana (above), only to be attacked by similarly disproportionate and scary sea turtle (below) and has to be rescued by Raquel Welch and her prehistoric hand bag.
With the incredible care they were taking not to misinform the viewer on the topic at hand, the groups of people have no language and resort to charades for most of the film. There is a narrator at the beginning but he disappears and after a while you are too busy being wowed by the very special effects to notice. Then a volcano erupts and natural selection favours only the one that ran away and the one that saves him. Everyone else is assumed dead and now they can start making a race that like wrestling pigs and like painting. 'This is the way is was'? I don't know what it was like one million years BC but I'm pretty sure this is the way it wasn't.
And so to The Witches. The scene pictured above has made the rest of the film pale in comparison, but then this scene wouldn't be this scene without the run up to it. What you see here is a supposedly scientifically-minded super-dyke wearing horns made of birthday candles feeding mud to villagers who have lost their collective mind. It must be magic. Or voodoo. Or something in the water. This is the latter part of the same scene involving erotic displays of apple juice, whereby the lighting of the candles on the super-dyke's head spontaneously causes the villagers to burst open apples above their heads, rub the juices all over their bodies and then rub up against each other. Obviously. If you don't believe me see below. For further explanation you should watch the film, it is amusing. 
1 comment:
I didn't realise candle crown woman was the sister of the wannabe vicar, I though they were married. Makes more sense now. Good stuff.
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